Last year I was thumbing through Facebook and came across a clip of Chris Pine on Saturday Night Live and fell into a fit of snorting laughter – ending with me in a puddle of tears from the sheer joy of his opening monologue about the collective group of Chris’ that have found success in the action movie genre. If you missed it – it’s here! Enjoy the giggle.
Anyone who knows me at all is fully aware that I am holding out for Chris Evans, aka Captain America, not that I would kick Chris Pine out of bed or anything; but that’s for a different day. Anywho, it got me thinking about what I have actually been doing to find my Chris.
I wish I could tell you that I have been working on myself, finding inner-peace, experiencing emotional growth and any other hot topic you want to throw in there. Unfortunately, I haven’t – I have spent the last 20ish years waiting for him (Chris) to find me. All the while making some poor choices along the way and learning some valuable lessons. You’re welcome, because I am willing to share.
I believe there is a formula to finding the right partner and that before you can find your Chris you have to start with your Chad. Oh Chad. Let’s be honest, he’s hot. He makes your panties wet and he’s your kryptonite, that and tacos. I may have “dated” a few Chads’. Chads’ are sexy, they are tall, they command a room, they are strong, and they love hard and fast.
You may be wondering what’s wrong with Chad. It’s pretty simple – they don’t love just one person at a time. Yikes! Chads’ find me. I put off some unknown scent that attracts them. While they are fun, lots of naked fun. When they decide to replace you – it’s hard. I mean a break-up is always hard, but a Chad break-up will take your breath away. It hurts your soul a bit because when their eyes twinkle for you – it’s like the entire night sky is smiling on you. But when the twinkle is lost – there isn’t a star left. I know this. I have lived this. Over and over. It’s my groundhog day.
You can’t let the Chads’ of the dating pool get you down ladies, you will move on and find yourself a Todd. Who’s Todd? He’s great. He’s so different than a Chad. He’s passive, he’s sweet and most importantly he’s kind. He thinks of you and only you. I mean unless it’s a powder day or a lake day. But he’s sure to text and check in and make sure you feel special. He may also need to borrow 20 bucks because his bartending job two nights a week leaves him a little short sometimes. Of course he can’t really commit to any more than that because of his FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).
Todds’ are amazing until the newest Chad pops up and all of those cute, endearing things you loved about Todd leave you feeling empty. I mean a man bun? It seemed sexy at first. Until you had to clean out the shower drain daily. Breaking up with Todd will make you feel sad for at least 30 minutes. You probably shouldn’t go for a swim. You’ll always smile back on your 3 months of “trying something new”, but your must trudge through to your Brad.
Oh awkward, handsome Brad. When you meet your Brad, you think it’s your sole mate. It’s so cute how nervous he gets when he’s around you. He’s sexy. He’s tan. He has great hair. Like I’m pretty sure he is responsible for those Herbal Essence commercials. People genuinely like him. You look at him with fondness and imagine what your children would look like. Not that it’s on the two year plan or anything – that would be CRAZY?! Right?
You wake to a text from him every morning, or his smiling face. You fall in love with him so easily. This is what you needed. Who’s Chad? Todd? Oh just some guys I use to know.
Sometimes you just meet someone who teaches you that it’s ok to be you. All the dorky things that you think no one will ever get – Brad gets it. He loves that you watch a Marvel movie every night when you go to bed. He even gets one started for you while you brush your teeth. He makes you smile that – “I’m safe and taken care” of smile. This should be enough – it’s not. Ugh!
Brad has sex just like he does everything else in life. Slowly, safely, in a bed. Fuck!! Why can’t he just fuck like a Chad? Why when you whispered in his ear that you weren’t wearing panties under your short dress did he look at you with disgust? Brads’ teach you that sex is important to a relationship. That craving someone is a turn on. That it’s ok to be a little naughty.
Brads’ leave a piece of themselves on your soul. It hurts, deeply when you end it. You may even take a page out of the Chad playbook and cheat – to get caught. I know – he doesn’t deserve that, but there is this little voice inside you that knows you have to do something to make him hate you. The alternative is to marry him, have babies with him, and wake up one day in 20 years and know that while Brad is amazing – he wasn’t your Chris.
Now that we have damaged another person and forced them to spend thousands of dollars and countless hours in counseling – the next phase is a little more fun and a wee bit self-destructive at times. Perhaps you should have also gone down the therapy route as well. Hindsight… It’s time to meet your Ryan.
Ryan will change your life! He will be your person for awhile. Your best friend. You become love drunk together. He’s sexy, he’s good in bed, he’s a giver (wink, wink), he loves you – all of you. You feel like you are living in a fairytale. This is the first time you don’t self-sabotage because you actually love him. Well, the brutal truth is that Ryans’ aren’t there forever. You have to soak it up while it lasts. They are another persons unicorn and that person is ready to find them.
See Ryan will take care of you. He will make your coffee every morning. He will take the kids to school so you can sleep in. He will make you dinner. He’ll buy you flowers just because. He’s amazing. He is also very supportive of your “cute little business”. Wait…what? Cute little business? Oh, you mean my successful marketing company?
Ryans’ want a wife. Don’t get me wrong I want to be a wife someday – to Chris. When the day comes that you have to move past your Ryan – make sure you have the tequila readily available. You learn from Brad and you don’t hurt Ryan. Leaving him will be painful enough for the both of you. You give him the “it’s not you – it’s me” talk. He cries, shit.
Now there is a period of true mourning after Ryan. You question the decision often. You replay the relationship over in your head. Time passes – slowly. You cry sometimes when you are alone, but don’t tell anyone.
Then your best-friend sends you the Facebook link to Ryan and the future Mrs. Ryan’s engagement shoot. Fuck that could have been you. What have I done? You cry more. Am I going to die alone? It seems likely at this point.
Then you do the worst thing ever and give in to the Chad. He’s been there – lurking in the background of course. You see him at the gym, at lunch, walking down the street. You question why you live in a small resort town of only 7,000 people. You know you shouldn’t. You tell your friends that you should’t. They agree. This will end badly.
Then you find yourself hoping that you run into him, which you of course do. You suddenly make an effort. You don’t ignore his glances. You welcome it and there is that dam twinkle. It makes your tummy flutter and its game on.
Here’s the other piece to a Chad – they typically are your dirty little secret. You can’t tell your friends or family. You don’t want to be a disappointment. You know you shouldn’t be doing it and yet there you are – doing him, I mean it. Often, everywhere. You are telling little white lies to your friends, so as not to get caught. The stress is building up. You finally tell one friend before you explode. They try to support you. You try to convince them, and yourself, that this time it will be different.
But it isn’t different. You were replaced with a younger, blonder version of yourself. This is when you grow the fuck up. You retreat. You discover. You stop looking. You actually find your own company enjoyable. Now years have passed and as you near your 40’s the fear of being alone sets in and is only drowned out by the fear of a broken heart.
Eventually, you begin to breath again. You become unapologetic for who you are. People genuinely like you. You turn your own Marvel movie on before bed. You buy yourself the flowers. They make you smile as you drink your morning coffee.
You go to the gym for you. You are in the best shape of your life. You make lists of goals and you accomplish all of them for yourself. You wear the pretty dress for you. You go on the hike alone. You listen to music too loud and you dance around like you did in your 20’s on High Street – minus the ridiculous shoes.
Who is Chris? He’s not Todd. He’s not the guy that who finds himself at the center of every epic powder day. He has a career and ambitions. He’s not Brad either – he knows how to make you feel satisfied. He welcomes that side of you. Nor is he Ryan. He does love you and dotes on you, but he’s proud of what you have accomplished and loves listening to all of your new ideas. He completely agrees that there is a market for custom cat sweaters.
Most importantly he’s not Chad!
Chris is flawed – just like you. You enjoy a lot of the same things. Yes, it is possible to meet a sexy, nerd, who loves Marvel movies, appreciates a beautiful sunset, and wants to hold your hand on your worst day.
He loves you. Simply, with kindness and tenderness that you didn’t know existed. He will light up the night sky with you, but here’s the thing – he’ll still be there holding you in the morning when the sun rises. He will be so many of your lasts – last kiss, last love. Oh, and so many of your firsts.
What will Chris be that no one was before? Your person! He will love you with every part of himself. He’ll teach you to trust again and show you a love that only he can. He’ll kiss your forehead as you take your last breath.
Don’t get me wrong there will be bad days. There will be days where you want to scream at him. Where you want to leave. There will be times you tell him to sleep on the couch – but at the end of the day you love him just the way he is.
He’s your Chris.
Good luck on your journey ladies. May you find your Chris and avoid the Chad’s.