I know, I owe you a different blog and in my defense I wrote my heart out on Sunday. For 10 hours to be exact with my high bun, loud music, mass quantities of coffee, and wit. While it is dramatically better than my first two attempts it is also tipping over the 4,000 word marker, and now I need to make a big decision with all the words. A decision that I’m not quite ready to make – so, you still don’t get to have it. It took me over a year to write “The 5 Stages of Meeting Your Chris.” It has been read thousands of times and I even had to upgrade my website to allow for all the new web traffic, I know, tough problem to have. So, please be patient – I do see the irony that one of the least patient people on the planet would ask this – but I am. In the meantime…..
That time I had a panic attack because I got scared that I would succeed. Ok, that was actually today. Today has been off from the start. I spaced that the kids didn’t have school. Surprise! Then, as I attempted to switch out a high lightbulb in my office space, the chair slipped out from underneath me and I went tumbling to the ground. Not an ideal start to the day.
I headed out the door to the gym in hopes of working off a little bit of the stress I have been experiencing. Not so much, I tripped, fell, and sliced my knee open as I was leaving the gym. My pride was also a little hurt as three kind gentlemen tried to help me up and get me something to stop the bleeding.
Then, as I spun my coffee to mix it up as I do every morning at the Starbucks, I spun it all over myself and a well dressed man. Oops! By the time I made it to my desk, I was feeling like I should just crawl back into bed. I finally found my groove as I busted through the Monday to do list when an email popped up: “Are you coming?”
Shit!!! I forgot about a meeting. I actually just put it on my calendar for a month from now. As I drove to my clients house I could feel the anxiety creeping up in my chest. Thank goodness my normal is to be on time and the infraction was dismissed easily. But, while I sat in that meeting, an email hit my inbox and little did I know it was going to be the thing that set me over the edge.
By the time I returned home and began to go through the 23, yes 23 emails I received during that hour meeting, I was feeling like I was ready to just call it a day and start early tomorrow. Then, I saw it.
See, on Friday, I hired someone to help me with my brand and to expand my business. I realize I am that person for a lot of people, but, I need help to take things to the next level and her proposal was both comprehensive and fucking scary. Travel, speaking, living my life a lot more out in the open, etc. My first instinct was to delete it and tell her to keep the retainer. I instead headed out the door for a run.
I ran straight to the lake, tears streaming down my face by the time I arrived at the water’s edge. I could barely breathe as I bent down to catch my breath. The thing was, I couldn’t catch my breath. My fear of being a giant failure was so overwhelming – it was crippling in that moment. It is so much “easier” to just stick to the current path. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I make a comfortable living and I get to live a relatively quiet life.
As I pulled myself together so I could return home and face the kids, I decided I needed to stop teetering with this decision, and either do it or not. Either find a way to be content as is, or risk it. Because, I have been a shitty mom, friend, and daughter lately. I obviously need to find some new ways to deal with stress but I am just not the mediating, yoga type. So, as much as I love your advice Darlings….
Today was just a bad day. We all have them. Tomorrow will come and all I can do is take it on with as much grace as I can muster. Oh, and lots and lots of coffee, and maybe a helmet. So, here’s to granting myself the space I need to make the right decision for me, and hopefully with less bumps and bruises.